WITTICISMs, JOKEs & RIDDLEs: Patty Nsionu's Compilation. 2002+
Favorite aphorism 1: Evil blossoms when good people don't get involved.
Favorite aphorism 2: Good philosophy must exist in order to refute bad ideologies.
Favorite aphorism 3: Do not look down on anyone, unless you mean to pick him up.
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes.
Art is knowing which ones to keep.
--Scott Adams -- (Collegejokes).
All that evil needs to take over is for a good person to sit and do nothing. -(7th Heaven)
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SERENITY PRAYER
O GOD, GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN CHANGE;
BUT, GIVE ME THE COURAGE TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE;
AND, GIVE ME THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE - AMEN!!!
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AN ANECDOTE
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!"
The cat was so terrified that it ran for its life.
Then, mother mouse turned to her babies and said,
"Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"
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Little Delusions of Grandeur: from Joke A Day
Because of some of the angry letters I've received as the moderator, I've decided to seek professional help. Just today, as a matter of fact, I had my first visit with a psychiatrist.
We both got comfortable. Me on the couch. He in his chair. He opened the session by saying, "I'm not aware of your problem, Mr. Owens. Perhaps it would be best if you started from the very beginning."
"Of course, " I said, "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth . . . what a tough 7 days that was . . ."
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My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms
straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks. Since then the rest was history.
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Little Chemistry Major:
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, and responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."
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The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.
"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."
"Really?" mumbled Paddy. "What have you done, Father?"
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A little girl was sitting on her daddy's lap one day. She gazed up at her father and said,
"Daddy, did anyone ever tell you that you're the most wonderful and smartest man in the world?"
Her father, filled with pride said, "Why no, honey, they haven't."
"Then where did you get the idea?" she asked.
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IQ - TEST
Count the # of F's in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Finished counting them?
Scroll down only after you have counted them okay?!
How many? 3?
Wrong there are 6!! -no joke.
Read it again.
The reasoning is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF."
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all 6 "F"s on the first attempt is a genius!!
Three is normal, but four is quite rare!!
Send this to your friends to test their brain power [IQ-TEST]!!
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Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired from her job.
He started the conversation with: "Miss Smythe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.
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Reader Marlene shows how far a sense of humor can go.
She recently left the hospital after losing her vocal cords to cancer. When she returned to work after 3 months one brave fellow joked with her, "Wow, Marlene -- you're every
man's dream -- a woman that can't talk!"
Marlene replied, "A MAN?? Good grief, I just got cancer. I don't need a "man" on top of that!"
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Did ya hear Billy Clinton is back in Washington DC?
You betcha. The former President has a new job.
Hillary has hired him to open her mails.
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HILARIOUS BUMPER STICKERS
I saw a cool bummper sticker today! T.G.I.F.
Thank God I'm Female
Hope you like it! - FaithE
The funniest bumper sticker that I've ever seen was:
"Don't steal... The government hates competition." Rod, OH
I saw a good bumper sticker the other day on a car, it said:
"Wild Woman" and a man was driving it!! =Steph
Saw a bumper sticker yesterday, "Bad Cop, No Doughnut" Harvey
I read one one time that said "Just because you aren't paranoid doesn't mean they aren't watching
you". I thought it was cute. Sarah W. Nac, TX
I saw one that said: "Honk if parts fall off."
Thought that was hilarious. Teresa, NJ.
Some more bumper sticker slogans received from all over:
Today I saw a bumper sticker that read "If you'r e not a hemoroid get off my back. -Sean
I saw a funny bumper sticker that read "I B 6 U B 9"-Karolyne
I saw this on a raggedy VW van in San Diego years ago:
"Don't laugh - I might be dating your daughter." SPBOXE
The funniest bumper sticker that I've ever seen was:
"Don't steal... The government hates competition." Rod, OH
More Bumper stickers Sticking out:
So your kid's an honor student? But you are still an ignoramus.
Hey, one time I saw a bumper sticker that said: "my karma ran over my dogma."
I saw a bumper sticker on a Jeep. The sticker was upside down.
The sticker read, "If you can read this... roll me over." -Sean Austin, TX.
I saw a bumper sticker that read, "I'd rather be driving."
After reading it, I kept my van a safe distance from this guy's car.....Rusty
I know you've been reading bumper stickers for a while
and probably will stop soon, but I just had to share
this one with you. The other day, I saw on an old, rusty car:
"Don't laugh, it's paid for." Josie
This one from a U.S. Marine, "IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO
FORGIVE BIN LADEN...IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE
THE MEETING..!!" Brian
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NOW LET'S CHECK SOME HILARIOUS SIGNS!
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
On an electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
I saw one bumper sticker the other day which I liked:
Buckle your Seatbelts - It makes it harder for the Aliens to suck you up out of your car!
THIS ONE WAS ON A BAR WALL:
"Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real." -Tupac Shakur
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -Ashley Treat
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Anon.
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"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did . . .
Not yelling and screaming like his passengers were." - [S. Bennett, Fla.]
The other day I saw my all time favorite bumper Sticker:
"Work harder"
"Millions on welfare are depending on you" (Jen NJ )
I saw a cute one at Wal-Mart recently:
This car protected by an anti-theft sticker. (Amanda)
One of their favorite bumper stickers is:
"A boss is like a diaper: always on your ass and full of shit." Joe
Hey, one time I saw a bumper sticker that said "my karma
ran over my dogma." I liked that one - Leah
Imagine this one: "I'm just driving this way to piss you off."
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Now Some Riddles:
1. A beggar's brother died, but the man who died had no brother.
How could this be? See Answer below.
2. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I do something." What's that something? See Answer below.
3. My husband is English and I'm American. I wonder what our children would be like. Can you guess? Answer below.
4. Speaking at the Staff Meeting, a very pert and pretty female
engineer named Renee told the male manager of the Division,
"I'd like to get something off my chest."
"What's that, Renee?" asked the manager.
Guess the answer and see the right reply below
5. Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? Answer below.
6. Send your own riddles to:???
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ANSWERS TO THE RIDDLES:
1. The beggar was a woman.
2. Unless I buy something (or, spend it).
3. They'd probably be rude, but disgusted by their own behavior. - Rita Rudner
4. "Your eyes." Replied the secretary.
5. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. But,
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go
to the fridge.
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TICKLE YOUR FANCY Now: SOME NEGLECTED FACTS & FIGURES OF LIFE
* The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers
were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.
* Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they
don't know you're there.
* Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid
airborne particles resulting from the flush. (eeewwwwwwwww!!!)
*The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
* American car horns beep in the F- tone ( Key F).
* No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
* Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
* 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
* You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
* Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
* The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
* The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
* A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in
first-class.
* Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
* The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
* Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
* The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company
once had.
* The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
* Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. (all together now...eeeewwwwwwwww!!!!!)
* The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
* Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
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From: Ambassador Emeritus Ken Apoe
To: PatNsionuJuno.com
CC: PNsionu@aol.com
Subject: Re: Fw: We are well Prepared
After the tragedy in New York and Washington the question arises:
WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF NIGERIA IS ATTACKED IN A SIMILAR MANNER?
>Well ... if that happens, there can be no comparison. That's because in Nigeria, believe it or not, we are much better prepared for these kind of attacks.
>1. We do not construct exaggerated elevated buildings.
>2. We all get on the job late in the morning, so at 8:45 there won't be sufficient people to kill.
>3. Fire fighters and police officers will do their utmost not to get to the spot in time. They will reach there just when everything is over, so there will be no casualties among them.
>4. The Nigeria Airways would surely have fouled up the terrorists plans by being delayed again, and of course losing their luggage.
>5. A Nigerian would not have used his cell phone to call home. He wo! uld've hit the terrorist with it over the head.
>6. If a terrorist was living for one year in Nigeria, he would have been robbed and molested so many times by the night "Ninjas" (armed robbers) that he would have given up and gone back to Afghanistan a long time ago. The celebrated airport armed robbers that are usually robbing hapless travelers on their way to and from the airport would surely have seen these 'oyibo mallams' to deal with...
>7. In Nigeria the terrorists would not have gotten the flight manual because they would have had to pay for it to several people.
>8. When there is a fire or burning, Naija people don't listen to statements like 'We have the situation under control please leave the building slowly and in an orderly fashion' they just get the hell out of there without looking back.
>9. A myriad of factors like NEPA, Fuel scarcity etc would surely have mucked up any effort to simultaneously strike prime targets.! Some of the fellows would have been stuck in Oshodi (Lagos) go slow at that time of the day and missed the plane............if an 'Area Boy' or pickpocket didn't steal off their master plan.
>For these and many other such reasons, you see... in Nigeria we are well prepared!!!
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Well that should be a nice spark for today & the rest of the season!
Probably more bumper stickers than you ever wanted, but coming in from all over, I laughed at
them all so I'm posting them to y'all. (Notice the fake Southern accent today?)
1) As long as there are Tests & Exams, there will be prayer in public schools.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
4) After all, I'm not a complete idiot, only some parts are missing.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) WANTED: Alive or dead!
8) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
12) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
13) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
14) The party was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
15) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
16) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests & Exams, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers
in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My ex-.
30) Again, I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36) CAT----- The Other White Meat
37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With you people
39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
41) Welcome To Slit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles
42) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're terrible.
44) I miss my family, but my aim is getting better things of life.
Have a great day! We are almost over the now!
The New Year is again, just winding around the corner!
Till next time! Have a great season now & always!
Kindly visit my websites & SIGN THE GUESTBOOKS:
http://www.millenniummovers.homestead.com/patswebsite.html
http://www.agnesnsionu.homestead.com/agnesnsionu.html
http://geocities.com/circleoffriendship
Sealed with Love & Prayer - Patrick Nsionu - New York., 2002.
Also, if you have a great line, story, or joke, please let me know at : PNsionu@aol.com
or, and, PatNsionu@Juno.com
(-: One little smile can fill a large room with sunshine :-)
==========------© 2002 Patty Nsionu Online----------=========